


you light my skies and guide me home

by myeuphorio



Series: polaris [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epistolary, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inspired by Real Events, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Significant Other, Letters, Love, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Swearing, Terminal Illnesses, True Love, because it's A Lot, i hope you can tell just how much he loves kenma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29961672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myeuphorio/pseuds/myeuphorio
Summary: You are my Polaris. You light up my life, and no amount of time or space will be able to accommodate just how much you’ve affected me; just how vast my love for you is. I am so incredibly grateful to have been blessed with a life that has you in it, and no matter how much I despise the fact I’m hurting you like this, I’ll selfishly ask that you never stop shining for me.Tetsurou knows. He knows that he's running out of time, and he knows that his declining condition hurts Kenma in ways he can't quite describe. All he wants to do is to let Kenma know just how much he means to him, to let Kenma know just why he's Tetsurou's treasured Polaris, so he takes an opportunity to write Kenma a letter in the eventuality he doesn't survive. This... is that letter.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: polaris [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2203692
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	you light my skies and guide me home

**Author's Note:**

> **In loving memory of my own Polaris**
> 
> This series means a lot to me, and I hope that you can tell so when you read it. It's an outlet for my current struggles inspired by the letter I received from my girlfriend after she passed away. This fanfiction alludes to Tetsurou's death- I haven't tagged it as **Major Character Death** because his death is not seen, but if you're not in a good space right now, please skip this over because "if you _are_ reading this, then... we both know what that means." 
> 
> This is not beta read. Given its nature of being a letter, I didn't think having a beta was appropriate, so please forgive any errors that I might not have caught. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy.

My Kenma,

I hope that when you need it most, this letter will find you safely. I wanted to write something happy and uplifting for you to tell you that I’m okay but I just… I just can’t think of the right things to say without them feeling like a lie. I don’t know what you’ll need to hear from me, and it’s painful to imagine your future without me in it but… I’m just going to start writing and keep going until I can’t anymore, okay, kitten? Bear with me for a little bit, yeah?

It hurts because, god, I love you so fucking much and yet all I can think to say is that I’m _sorry_. I’m so fucking sorry for putting you through this because I know you blame yourself for what’s happening to me. I overheard you talking to my parents when your visits overlapped and it just completely broke my heart, kitten, because it’s just not true- there’s no way we could have known that this was going to happen. No amount of saying “what if” will change it, and I’ve accepted that there’s nothing that we could have done any differently to save me. In no way is what’s happening to me your fault, Kenma, and one day, I hope that you can see that you’re my saviour, not my killer. Please don’t forget that I love you more than life itself and that I fight for you alone.

As I write this, it is Tuesday, March 10th 2015. You messaged me yesterday about how you’d been caught up in something and wouldn’t be able to come visit today, and as much as I hate not having you here with me, I know you hate it just as much because I don’t have a lot of time left, kitten. We both know it far too well by now, and even though you try to hide how your hope is dying more and more, I can see right through you. I love you far too much not to notice how much pain you’re putting yourself through in order to be with me when I’m like this, and I hope that in writing this letter, I can help put the daemons of the you reading this to rest.

Honestly, I wish that you’ll never have to read this letter. I wish that you’ll never have to know of its existence, and I wish that you’ll never have to know the extent that your current pain can, and likely _will_ , reach. I wish that I could just be at your side as if nothing has changed, but I suppose my wishes don’t matter in the grand scheme of things because if you _are_ reading this, then... we both know what that means. Knowing that there’s nothing I can do to comfort you right now, to make you feel better, truly hurts me more than anything else, Kenma, and I hope you never forget that. I hope that, with my engagement ring still on your finger, you are able to see that I wish I could just stay by your side forever. Even if I realistically know how that will never be, please just keep me in your heart forever instead, okay? Keep me dear there whenever and wherever you need me most and I promise you that I will never truly leave your side.

Telling you about my condition was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. The two of us have been at each other’s sides for over a decade, and for the first time in our years long relationship, I had no idea how you’d react. I still carry this sense of guilt with me every time I look at you, because I can’t help but wonder whether or not the gravity of the diagnosis would have been any more bearable had I just listened to you, Kenma. If I had just _listened_ to you when you noticed my headaches or drowsiness or snappiness or _anything_ , maybe I wouldn’t be writing this letter, not knowing if I’m going to wake up tomorrow. If I had just listened, maybe you wouldn’t be hurting so much.

It’s… ironic, in a way. I had this awful secret to share with you and feared the absolute worst- carried this _guilt-_ only for you to apologise yourself. You never explained why, just engulfed me in a hug and cried, but I’ll place my bets and say it’s because of what you told my parents. The fact we both carry this weight... it’s oddly comforting, kitten. I hate that my stubbornness made you feel this way and I hate that this is all my fault but… even when we’re like this, we’re still on the same wavelength when it comes to our emotions. I suppose some things never really change.

When you hugged me and cried that day, I think that in some sick and twisted way I fell in love with you even more. You held on to me so tightly as if you were terrified I was going to disappear through your fingers, and it just hit me in that moment that you are just as much in love with me as I am with you and, god, kitten, it made me so happy. I dreaded that you were going to leave me there, but instead? Instead you took my fears and turned them into hope; into a promise. When you told me that you’d love me unconditionally until the bitter end and beyond, I felt a peace that I didn’t even know possible in times like that. It made me realise that you really are it for me, Kenma, and that even though I’m going to die- _have_ died, if you’re reading this- I’m going to die loved more than I could possibly fathom. 

By the time you read this, it should be Friday, October 16th 2015- your twentieth birthday, kitten. I figured this would be a good time for you to receive it because, of course, turning twenty is such a big deal and I just… call me selfish but I don’t want to be left out, you know? Even if I’m not there with you, I want you to know that I’m thinking about you, and I want you to know that I’m always at your side. It’ll only have been about six months but I have no doubt that you’ll have made me proud. You always do, Kenma, and it’s an honour to be the one beside you.

Saying that, though… for the first time in my life, thinking about six months in the future is terrifying. My prospects are bleak and I know that the doctors think it’ll be a miracle if I ever see April again, so looking forward to _October?_ It’s... more than I can take. The thought of one hundred and eighty days passing by without me- one hundred and eighty days that I won’t be by your side- makes me feel so incredibly hollow as I only wish that I could spend that time with you instead. A lot can happen in that time, and I have no doubt that you’re not the same Kenma I knew anymore, but I also have no doubt that I would- and I will- love you all the same. Every single day that I’m by your side, I find myself falling in love with you all over again, and I’ll be damned if that changes even when I’m gone. I am always with you, and even if I may never get to say it to your face, may not even death do us part.

You came into this knowing what might happen to you. You knew that being by my side through this could absolutely ruin you, and yet you’ve stood by me without even a second thought. I can only hope that you haven’t struggled too much with my fate, kitten, and I hope you haven’t suffered too much, either. The thought of doing that to you is my worst nightmare, but should push come to shove then I hope you know that I am still there at your side and in your heart, loving you every step of the way just as you have for me. As long as you still want me, I will want you back just as much. You’re my everything, Kenma, and if these words of mine can help even a little, writing all of this would have been worth it.

Over this month or so since the diagnosis, you’ve become my Polaris more than you ever were before. I’ve openly told you this a few times (and used the name occasionally for years) as you well know, but have never actually given you a reason as to _why_ I do it. Partially, it’s because your little confused head tilt is adorable to me, but it’s also admittedly because of embarrassment. You’ve never been one for sappy nicknames or romantic sentimentality and as long as you weren’t complaining then I just wanted to believe I could have this little name to myself for even a short while longer; not afraid of it being overridden. Looking back on it now, though, I owe you an explanation before it’s too late. You deserve that much, kitten.

I love you, Kenma. I always have and I always will. You’re the reason that I still breathe, that I still fight, and you saved me when I thought I just couldn’t be saved anymore. From that moment I first laid my eyes on you, you were just _magnetic_ to me, and I have never felt as I have when I’m with you. It’s as if I’m completely trapped in your gravity, a prisoner to anything and everything you, and I don’t think I will ever be the same again. The two of us are bound by a love- a red string of fate- never to be broken, and what I feel for you transcends space and time. You managed to give me a lifetime in the twelve and a half years we’ve shared, and you taught me what it means to be treasured and to treasure others in return. I can only hope that one day you’ll understand just how deeply in love I am with you, and now that I’ve started, I’ll never stop being yours.

Ever since day one, I’ve been drawn to you. There was something pulling at me to get closer to you, to become important to you, and I found myself following your every move as long as you’d let me. I wanted to know everything about you, and… that eight-year-old boy fell in love with you before he even knew what the word “love” meant. This whole time, I’ve been your devoted follower, and even now you light my skies and guide me home. You’re bright and beautiful and so effortlessly incredible that for as long as I can, I’ll trust you to lead me where I need to go. I’ll trust you with my life to keep me and my memory safe, and whenever I need to find you, I’ll search the skies, knowing you’ll be there. You’re my Polaris, Kenma, and I’ll always navigate to your side should you want me there.

You are my Polaris. You light up my life, and no amount of time or space will be able to accommodate just how much you’ve affected me; just how vast my love for you is. I am so incredibly grateful to have been blessed with a life that has you in it, and no matter how much I despise the fact I’m hurting you like this, I’ll selfishly ask that you never stop shining for me. I’ll gladly cling onto you until my bitter end if it means that I can die with your light on my fingertips. If it means that I can spend these twelve years at your side again, being your everything like this again, then I’d do everything again in a heartbeat. Anything and everything for you, Kenma. It’s all for you.

With this, I’ll put my pen down. There is so much more that I wish I could say to you, Kenma, but I just don’t have any energy left to keep writing, so _please_ , kitten. If there is anything that you’re going to take from this letter, please let it be that you were the single greatest thing to ever happen to me. My love for you will never dull, and I will wait for you as long as it takes.

Keep on shining bright for me, Polaris. I’ll find you whatever it takes, and when the time comes, we will meet again- it’s a promise,

Tetsurou ♡

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Feedback is appreciated, but I am delicate so please be kind with it TT


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